BODY DYSMORPHIA

BODY DYSMORPHIA

  It’s normally dark outside when I look in the mirror naked. Even though my pre-work or pre-bedtime brain is jumbled with sleepiness and fatigue it can still lie to me through the reflective piece of glass before me.   This morning, sticky thoughts of body negativity wash over me with the warm water in the shower and I feel trapped.   I feel trapped in my own body.   I want to wriggle out of this skin that I loved just yesterday; I want to hide from this home-turned-prison. The desire to run away, just for a moment, from the uncomfortable situation that is body dissatisfaction seeps into my being. I want to look away from the too-bright florescent light glowing around the curves of my waist and the non-gap of my thighs…but I can’t. I wish I could love it—this body I know is beautiful to everyone else—but right now I just want to scream. I just want to change it. I can almost see the words—gross, imperfect, not enough, incompetent, weak, pathetic, worthless, ugly—sliding down my body like the beads of water slipping down the steam-streaked mirror facing me. These slimy words are like roll-on tattoos that ooze deeper and deeper into my skin the more I fight to scrub them off.   How do I escape? ~   Body Dysmorphia: anxiety about one’s appearance and a distorted view of how one looks.   I didn’t think body dysmorphia was a part of my eating disorder concoction. Even when I pinched the skin on my elbows and cheekbones at the worst of my anorexia, even when...
Ready, Set, Recovery: What helped me to start moving away from my eating disorder.

Ready, Set, Recovery: What helped me to start moving away from my eating disorder.

  What would I have wanted to know when I was starting recovery? What would I tell my past self now that I am recovered? What advice or tips do I have for others starting recovery? Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about what it was like to start recovery and what helped me (or could have helped me more) to move through that difficult time. Someone recently asked me, “What do you wish you could tell your past self?” and it got me to thinking…   Things that helped me in recovery or that I wish I would have trusted more:   Recovery is possible. While this may be hard to see from within the disorder, once on the “other side” of this journey, recovery is the obvious and very possible path. I know that the eating disorder voice in your head or even a part of your self does not want to believe me. However, I am living proof that recovery is possible. I understand the fears that cloud the pathway towards recovery. I know the fear of weight gain, eating fear foods, and not having control, which can corrode your resolve to get better. I know the mistrust you have of yourself and others. I understand the feeling that it is all a trick…a horrible anxiety-provoking joke to make you fat. I know the thoughts of recovery being worse than where you are now. I understand where you are at, because I have been there too. I know that feeling of not being able to escape; damned if you do and damned if you do not....
Recovery Party: Celebración de Merienda

Recovery Party: Celebración de Merienda

  Six years ago I began my journey in recovery from anorexia nervosa. Last Sunday I celebrated my recovery with a party! Every year I like to celebrate my recovery around the date that the denial shattered and I realized that I had an eating disorder. That day changed my life. Most years I celebrate my recovery on my own with some dark chocolate and big mountain smiles. Last year, I was living in Buenos Aires, Argentina where I decided to have a Celebración de Merienda. In Argentina the forth meal of the day is a ‘merienda’ or teatime between lunch and dinner, a time to eat ‘torta,’ drink ‘mate,’ and be together. A merienda is a perfect time for a celebration! This year I decided to continue the tradition with a Celebracion de Merienda here in Colorado. On Sunday my house filled with the smiles of cherished friends, overwhelming amounts of chocolate and flowers, and many heartfelt conversations. Being surrounded by so much support and celebration was extremely powerful! Plus, I got to cook for everyone and host a party…which I love!   Below I’ve included what I said and the proclamation that I signed (in English and Spanish) at the Recovery Party or Celebración de Merienda:   Part I: Eating disorders are all about shame, silence, and insecurity, which is why I am so excited to have you all here today to face my recovery from anorexia nervosa with celebration, joy, and love!   As many of you know, I love questions! While preparing for today and reflecting on my recovery I found myself asking the question,...
Authentically Standing in my Truth

Authentically Standing in my Truth

  Six years ago I was at war with myself. Eighteen years old, getting ready to leave home for college, and totally lost. My journal entries were full of confusion as I realized something was terribly wrong in my life but could not put my finger on what it was.   Six years ago I still did not know I had an eating disorder. Anorexia nervosa, the most deadly of all mental illnesses, had stealthily taken over my life. Strongly blinded by denial I remember spending long minutes ordering at restaurants as I tried to figure out what item had the least calories. I remember lying to friends about stomachaches and food intolerances to avoid eating. I recall spending hours reading recipes and baking cheesecakes I would never eat. I wanted to be near food to feel the strength of denying myself sustenance. I was numb: constantly cold from lack of nutrients and emotionally numb from avoiding all feelings. I longed for emotional intimacy even as I isolated from the people I loved most. I constantly strived for perfection, grasped for false control, and wore a mask of vivacity to hide my emptiness and fear. I desperately wanted to be happy, knew that I was not, and had no idea how to get there.   Now, six years later, I almost find it hard to remember what it felt like to be anorexic. Yes, pieces of the disorder still burgeon when I am under stress and I must clip them away from the joy and authenticity in my life. And, yes, recovery is a continual process of becoming my...