There is an Asshole Living in my Head.

There is an Asshole Living in my Head.

  There is an Asshole Living in my Head.   I’ve got an asshole living in my head. Ed, the voice of my eating disorder, still inserts his ugly comments into my life sometimes and recently he has been particularly loud. I find myself comparing my body to other women’s bodies and to past versions of my own body. I think about wanting to lose weight and feel myself judging every curve of my stomach. I am anxious about wearing bathing suits and certain dresses. If I just work out more and lose a few pounds before my trip to Nicaragua I’ll be happy, right? I shouldn’t look like this. I didn’t used to feel this uncomfortable in my own body so I must be failing, right? Ed’s voice can be so convincing…and the whole thing pisses me off. No! My body is not fat, Ed! No! I do not need to have six-pack abs to have fun at the beach. My body should NOT look like my anorexic eighteen-year-old body. I do not need to compare myself to other women with their own body types and body image issues. I am twenty-five-years-old with the body of a twenty-five-year-old woman who does not have the time to look like a fitness model and who finds fulfillment in other areas of life than only the physical. My happiness is not determined by the size of my body! I am beautiful and sexy and gorgeous and amazing…and I am tired of thinking that I am not. I do not want to live my whole life looking back at old pictures thinking,...
Interview with 9News Denver!

Interview with 9News Denver!

  On November 15th, 2017 I was on TV for the first time! As part of 9News’ Addiction Week series I was interviewed as a survivor of Anorexia Nervosa. I shared my story of struggling with and recovering from an eating disorder in conjunction with an interview with Dr. Jennifer Gaudiani (MD CEDS, FAED) who spoke from the perspective of a medical professional in the field.   You can see the interview here. Please share!   I am extremely proud to be an advocate for recovery in such a powerful way. I have an intimate understanding of eating disorders. However, many people barely know what an eating disorder is, much less how to recognize an eating disorder in a loved one, have an awareness of the factors that can contribute to the development of an eating disorder, or what signs could mean that they are struggling with an eating disorder. My hope with sharing my story is that more people will know a little bit more about these terrible illnesses and that those who are struggling will know that recovery is possible.   I am also excited to share my story because these illnesses feed on isolation. By sharing my story I am breaking the silence around struggling with an eating disorder. I believe that moving out of the darkness facilitates healing…not only for the individual struggling or in recovery but also for the stigma surrounding mental health in our culture. I hope that by sharing my story others will be inspired to move into the light so that we may stand together, united and strong.   Below are some...
Measuring My Worth

Measuring My Worth

For some reason while skiing today a couple images from my past badgered me, wanting to be expressed in words. Both instances relate to the skewed relationship I had with my body and my self as I struggled with anorexia and worked to recover.   Body-checking ~ The hot water of the shower steams as it hits and runs across my chilled body. I look down my naked side to assess the curve of my hip. A sick feeling bubbles in my stomach. It makes me queasy to see that small bulge above my hipbone. Fat. It puts a metallic taste of disgust under my tongue and at the back of my throat. I pinch the tiny piece of fat (one of the only left on my body) between my fingers, hard, and wish it would disappear. ~   During the year I spent flirting with anorexia I often engaged in what I later learned was termed “body-checking.” I would assess my body—and thus also my self worth—by pinching, measuring, feeling, and looking at certain parts of my body. I remember making a bracelet around my wrist with the thumb and fingers of my other hand and running the loop up my arm farther and farther. I was pleased by the progress towards my elbow. Similarly, I would measure my legs by making a circle with my hands. My knobby elbows, the gap between my thighs, and the definition of my abdominal muscles were all assessed harshly. The most important body-checking areas for an individual with an eating disorder vary from person to person. I was never concerned or...
Collection of Reflection

Collection of Reflection

Over the past semester I took the opportunity afforded by assignments for my Abnormal Psychology class to reflect on my recovery from Anorexia Nervosa. Here I have compiled some of the snapshots and insights I gained.   A Collection From a Semester of Reflection.   Eating Disorder as Addiction (An excerpts from my Addiction Essay written for my Abnormal Psychology course)   “I can’t stop worrying,” my shoulders shake with weak sobs as I press my frail hard body into my Mother’s hug. “What do you mean, honey?” I can hear the concern in her voice; I’ve finally got her attention. What do I mean?! What do I mean? I can feel the truth words bubbling in my core; all the abstract thoughts that I won’t let out have become a toxic soup of denial held tightly inside. I want to shout, “I can’t stop! I can’t stop worrying about food. I can’t stop worrying about weight. I can’t stop worrying about my appearance.” But I know if I start I’ll have to purge it all, telling the truth about my 900 or 600 or 300 calorie intake goal each day, about almost fainting on my runs and going up stairs and while shadowing doctors, about the recipes I obsess over but whose product I won’t eat, about how cold I am all the time, and about my scale rituals every Thursday morning. I’ll not only tell the horrible truth about my behaviors but also about myself, that I don’t care about anything anymore, I can’t make decisions, I lack feeling, I’m scared, and more than anything else I...